what's up?

square peg

sorry, another shot from the swap meet. it's coming up again. thinking about going, assuming the current mid-february heatwave breaks, and becomes a more sensible mid-sixties cool.

wondering why most of the truck seems to be lovingly finshed out and polished, and the roof was left raw? some sort of mind fuck--"psyche!" it's a very nice vehicle otherwise.

today was one of those days that reminds me that i'm a square peg in a round hole. one that reminds me of the twisted sister video, with the guy screaming, "what do you want to do with your life?!!???!!!," just without the flying saliva.

well, of course. i want to rock.

it's annual review time at work. and every year, you are required to go through the same steps: self assessment, goal setting, boss and/or peer review, score yourself, management scoring, etc. you play the game, and at the end, you hope you get a small raise, and they recognize and still find you valuable.

the process is great for number crunchers and sales guys. they can easily set goals and gather numbers to inflate how productive they were for the year. they are good with words and people, and know how to play the game...show me the money.

as a designer, i find it painful to try to rate, quantify, and somehow measure what i do into their format for determining compensation increases. i'm more of a support system, a reactionary function, to all the bees in the hive that make the colony function. and i'm a bumbling introverted drone, happy to just sit at my computer and get the work done.

i don't go out, into the fray, and just out of the blue, decide i'll just whip myself up a little piece of collateral, and see if it's useful. i'm busy. i don't have time to think of goals. i have time to think of burn out, and that's always just on the edge of my mind.

so, i have a new / old boss. i used to work directly for him, several years ago; then he moved up the ladder, and it was more indirectly. now i think his ladder went sideways or folded, or something, and i'm working for him again.

he's used to dealing with management types. he thinks things out profusely. he uses lots of words.

we met to discuss what my goals for the year should be. i never know what to say to that question every year. it's not like i set out each year, planning to do x, y and z, and maybe w. i barely think about planning day to day, much less what i want to do when i grow up. you know, justify why you're here.

i don't think it went well. i don't bullshit well, and speak my mind when asked directly. i'm perfectly happy with what i do, why do you want me to change it? i felt like i was in the principal's office, and didn't adequately express what it is i thought i should be planning to do, nor was i able to suggest ways to be even more productive than i am.

i do go out and keep my skills up to date. i work fast, under pressure. i get shit done, and i do it well. i've done it for a long time, so i would hope so.

he wants something written, more to the point than the previous boss. cross the t, dot the i. not quite a literary essay, but it feels like it should be.

times like these, i miss a former boss, at a former company—the one who micro managed, to the point of writing everyone's review and goals, and basically filling out the form for you. just sign here, and here's your check.

anyway, i gotta come up with three or four things i can scribble on the form, and maybe, maybe not, attain them next year. he says whether i meet expectations or not, does not count toward the overall rating. ya, right. i believe that.

i could only come up with somehow incorporating getting behind a camera, and becoming a portrait photographer to the executives and sales people, or helping someone else do it, since i end up with the files anyway, and cleaning them up. but i'm not good with people...i shoot cars. and that would be in addition to a full workload.

he wants me to get out of my comfort zone. i already do that, just not in the office. thank you very much. pretty sure he's going to want me to do some sort of presentation, or knowledge sharing. can i just take this ice pick and stick it right...here...it really would be easier for me.

i want to rock. just not in front of an audience.